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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 100
June 2011
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Da Horror Scopes

submitted by crittermilker

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your quest to become the World's Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you'd be a really great parent.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your old solution isn't going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You've often said you'd like a word with whoever is responsible for all the hogwash, leaving you conflicted when you're promoted to manager of all the hogwash.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You'll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you'll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Although you'll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as "the kind of person" who likes the new Doctor Who.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you'll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn't signed that pesky form saying you wouldn't have any.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that "lying down on top of things" has actually become a fad.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You'll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.

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