Da Horror of Da Scopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Sometimes the exact right thing falls right out of the sky and hits you between the eyes, which will be the case next week after the bowling-ball plant upwind from you explodes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.