Da horror of Da Scopes
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
One of the worst moments of a person's life is when they finally realize that they're mortal and are going to die, especially when it's a person like you who only sees the cement truck at the last second.
Taurus (Apr 21 - May 20)
You've been looking for true love for so long now that you've forgotten to do anything else, which should give you a clue as to why you didn't enjoy Comic-Con.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
You just don't see what place slingshots have in today's modern world, which is yet another reason why you are such a terrible parent.
Cancer (Jun 221- Jul 20)
Your irrational fear of sharks will disappear forever this week and be replaced with an extremely educated and informed fear of sharks.
Leo (Jul 21- Aug 20)
The universe would like to thank you for your participation, hopes you know that you were really great, and wishes you luck in all your future endeavors.
Virgo (Aug 21 - Sep 20)
You'll probably be surprised how quickly you become used to your new life, but then again, since you'll leave most of your frontal lobe back in your old life, maybe you won't be.
Libra (Sep 21 - Oct 20)
Your theory that "After this, they won't dare to elect another one of those nitwits" sounds hopeful, but it flies in the face of everything we've learned in the past 20 years.
Scorpio (Oct 21 - Nov 20)
You're generous to a fault, that fault being that you've acquired a reputation as the guy who always comes up with the ransom money.
Sagittarius (Nov 21 - Dec 20)
You'll uncover startling proof that there is in fact nothing more to life than sitting around watching True Blood all day.
Capricorn (Dec 21 - Jan 20)
The events of your life will continue to uncannily mirror those depicted in the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Next week: Hôtel Terminus.
Aquarius (Jan 21 - Feb 20)
Please try to keep in mind that high summer temperatures do not indicate the end of the world. The magma flowing up from the cracks in the earth, however, bear thinking about.
Pisces (Feb 21 - Mar 20)
You'll continue to brag about how well your career is going, although most people wouldn't call repeatedly visiting every all-you-can-eat buffet in the tri-state area a "career."