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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 102
August 2011
 
 
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Funnies...


Rivalry....

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS'. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading 'LOWEST PRICES'. The shopkeeper panicked until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop and it read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

 

Million dollar question....

Jane was on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and if she got the next question correct she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be the million-dollar question was no pushover. The host of the show asked..."Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it: A) the condor B) the buzzard C) the cuckoo or D) the vulture

Jane was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her '50/50 Lifeline' and her 'Ask the Audience Lifeline'. All that remained was her 'Phone-a-Friend Lifeline'. She hoped that she wouldn't have to use it because her friend was blonde and as dim as anything, but she had no alternative.

She called her friend Wendy and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly..."That's easy - The answer is C: the cuckoo." Jane had to make a decision and make it fast.

She considered that her friend was a blonde and she had no idea herself. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certainty, that Jane couldn't help but be convinced. "I need an answer" asked the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said "C - The cuckoo." "Is that your final answer?" "Yes, that is my final answer." 

The host hesitated and Jane waited with baited breathe before he answered "That answer is.... Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!" Three days later the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the Wendy who had helped her win the million dollars. "Wendy, I just do not know how to thank you" Jane said to her. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh come on" said the Wendy... "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks !!"

 

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE....

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before our involvement in the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul, and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?". The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines." No matter what language you speak or where you go, Moral of this story is: BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A REALLY SMART WOMAN.

 

Dont try to fool Mother Nature (or God)....

A 54-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-life, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me out from the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

 

Murphy's 15 Other Laws....

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well; night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those, who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


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