Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
At this very moment, hundreds of miles from where you are, some of the world's greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21)
Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football.
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send the ransom note.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
You'll undergo a crisis of conscience when you realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don't really want to watch anything that's on TV right now.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
The good news is that traveling will be somewhat easier for you after next week, as you'll never again need to complain about legroom or not having a decent view.
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 23)
The stars are happy to announce that starting next week you will pay your zodiac bill on time, if you know what's good for you.
Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
The pretty lady's boyfriend will actually be a lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who dates her is not determined by an essay contest.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You're not getting any younger, which means that a certain so-called "wizard" has a lot to explain concerning certain "reverse-aging potions."
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
It turns out that whomever you have to sleep with to get a drink around here, it's not the bartenders, the owner, the waitresses, or the bouncer.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You'll continue to inspire those closest to you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Although your roommate thought it was crazy of you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you'll come home to find it applied to the walls and floors soon enough.