Da Horror of Da Scopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
They say your problem is inoperable, but they're wrong: It's just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news coverage you'll get next month, everyone else sure does.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Don't be surprised when your body goes through some changes next week. After all, that's why you've been injecting yourself with synthetic horse testosterone.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars will wait patiently while you look up the album art for Ted Nugent's Cat Scratch Fever, because they want you to know exactly what you look like to them.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It's good to have a detailed plan in case events take an unexpected turn, but that doesn't mean you have to go around wiping your fingerprints off everything you own.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Saturn is rising in your sign this month, bringing with it all the pain, misery, and failed business opportunities a ringed gas giant can muster.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're a huge fan of those cheesy one-liners uttered by antiheroes right after they kill some poor slob, so good news: Your death will not be in vain.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You had no idea People magazine had a list of the 100 Most Average Bachelors, but it's still a disappointment when you don't quite make the cut.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Take heart: You have your whole life ahead of you. Also, take some advice: It would be wise to think of the life ahead of you in terms of quality and not quantity.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
While it's true life is nothing more than a tale told by an idiot, take heart. After all, you're an idiot.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite your upcoming experiences this week, the stars still think checking the backseat of your car before getting in every time is pretty paranoid.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Congratulations: Before he got a load of you, the county coroner really thought he'd seen it all.