Astrological Predictions for 2012
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2012 (yes finally). Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone - Kim Kardashian is out of your reach.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem common. They will become a hot item during next year's Mall of America brawl.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets. At least this time you didn't care.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2012. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions. Or call the Psychic Hotline. Assuming it is still active...
Libra September 23 - October 23
The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2012—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3.".
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate implement any changes.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, - however, don't say we didn't warn you against these online romances. There was a good reason the flame burnt out - his wife caught him um red-handed!