Aries March 21 - April 19
You will be torn between two equally worthy suitors, one who is kind, selfless, outgoing, supportive, and loving, and one who is attractive. You will, of course, choose the attractive one - there is a divorce lawyer out there waiting for you.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Remember that bull thing? You need to decide whether you are strong as a bull, as thick skulled as a bull or just plain full of bull. Hey, you are the one who got stuck with that sign!
Gemini May 21 - June 21
They say that knowing is half the battle, but they never talk about how the other half is tactical deployment and careful use of grenades. Avoid the battle, it is the smart choice.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your self-destructive behavior is beginning to get out of control, which is mostly notable due to how long you were able to control your behavior while destroying yourself. Lay off those cookies, because they are certainly not laying off of your thighs.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be pleased to find that science has long since achieved your dream of creating a smaller, cuddlier, domesticated version of the tiger. It is called a cat, get one!
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Scientists will announce the discovery of sunspots spelling out your name this week just to see if they can get you to stare at the sun all day.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Time to get back on the scales. The holidays have left their mark on you. Exercise will clear your head and frankly, it needs it.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Losing weight will improve your performance in all areas of life, but you will find that bolting on new shock absorbers on yourself is painful and counterproductive.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll learn too late that while it may be easy and even justifiable to ridicule the French, they take their full-contact judo very seriously.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It turns out that it's neither the size of the wave nor the motion of the ocean that really matters, but the length and girth of your wee wee.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your sense of humor is in need of a tune-up. Life is funnier than you think, well - that would be on the rare occasion that you think. Don't take yourself so seriously because no one else does..
Pisces February 19 - March 20
There are some things that money can't buy. For instance, with your record, you're forbidden from getting close enough to purchase Girl Scout cookies.