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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 109
March 2012
 
 
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Horrorscopes


Aries March 21 - April 19
Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dyse

Taurus April 20 - May 20
After years of loneliness, you'll find the only other person on Earth who cares about cuttlefish as much as you do, inspiring a mutual hatred that will last the rest of your short and violent lives.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
After years of loneliness, you'll find the only other person on Earth who cares about cuttlefish as much as you do, inspiring a mutual hatred that will last the rest of your short and violent lives.

Cancer Jun 22 - July 23
You will come closer to your own elemental nature this week when a sudden lance of white-hot plasma reduces you to your component atoms.
 
Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll be pleased to find that science has long since achieved your dream of creating a smaller, cuddlier, domesticated version of the tiger.  It is called a cat, get one!
 
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You had always believed that there were two kinds of people in this world, but that was before you discovered the existence of the Germans.
 
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your joy at discovering that there is indeed meaning and purpose to life is short-lived when it turns out to involve a bunch of difficult stuff that isn't a lot of fun.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your joy at discovering that there is indeed meaning and purpose to life is short-lived when it turns out to involve a bunch of difficult stuff that isn't a lot of fun.  

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your joy at discovering that there is indeed meaning and purpose to life is short-lived when it turns out to involve a bunch of difficult stuff that isn't a lot of fun..

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It is beneficial for a compassionate and intelligent person to stop now and again to consider the magnificence of human endeavor, so it is fortunate indeed that Mark Trail is still in print.
 
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're a firm believer that travel broadens the mind, which is one reason why you haven't been outside of Missouri in more than 15 years.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
It's rare that people can live a happy, healthy life without friends, so the crushing depression you're feeling is perfectly normal.


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