Da Horror of da Scopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars are beginning to suspect you think of relationships, dating, and in fact any romantic involvement whatsoever as nothing more than an excuse to make mixtapes.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Don't wait until tomorrow to start living the life you want today. That said, it may take months to properly assume the identity of veteran character actor William H. Macy.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll know you've picked the right wedding planner this week when he makes you list, from best to worst, your 10 favorite Hitler biographies.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You take justifiable pride in your near-perfect infant-stroller design, but they'll still recall them all as soon as the little darlings insist they are not subject to sales tax.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Maybe it's just you, but up until the recent spate of news articles on the issue, you had no idea there were straight people in the military.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars are genuinely sorry that they told your creepy coworker this would be a good week to make bold romantic moves.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
People often overlook your generally optimistic nature and hopeful outlook, as well as the fact that living in an underground bunker is just plain cozy.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will soon be the latest victim of society's unfortunate propensity to put the word "crazed" in front of the once-respected title of "gunman."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Turns out there actually isn't an old saying that you can get away with anything as long as you're wearing a chicken suit.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There are, in fact, two kinds of people in the world, but if the stars told you what they were, you'd be shocked and possibly hurt.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The really strange thing, doctors will tell you this week, is that the worms just seem to be hanging out in your bloodstream as if waiting for a signal to lay their millions of eggs.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Until next Thursday, you will have no idea what the world record is for stepping in bear traps.