Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll find it difficult to point out your assailant in court next week, but that's mainly because of what he’ll have done to your hands.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Have the stars told you how wonderful you've looked lately? And how great it would be if you could check in on their cats this weekend?
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You've always believed women to be your one true weakness, but as it turns out, leaving ground forces exposed to a sudden pincer-style attack is.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Banking on its growing popularity, Cancer will launch an all-new astrological spin-off starting this fall. Keep an eye out for Cancer: The College Years in weeks to come!
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
God will shine His divine light on you this week, instantly blinding you with His infinite carelessness.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You knew eating those hamburgers would come back to haunt you, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when all the floating cows show up.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
While it's true that you can’t outrun your past, it’s really the catching up with your future that you should be worried about.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The natives will treat your sudden appearance with a combination of suspicion and awe, but then, they've never seen anyone purchase 20 cartons of cigarettes at once.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Be sure to watch your temper, as it’s about to do some pretty amazing things in the days to come.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 10
Your life will continue in an uneventful and unremarkable fashion for most of the next week, but before it’s out, you’ll have had at least one really good sandwich.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Money will soon change your life in ways you couldn't possibly imagine—especially the $5,000 or so you'll owe to local loan sharks.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Remember, people like you for who you are: an incredibly insecure person willing to do almost anything for acceptance.