Da Horror of Da 'Scopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You've long thought of yourself as a left-brain type of person, but the stroke will quickly and dramatically change all that.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of putting up an emotional wall, you'll realize the error of your ways this week and purchase 3 tons of brick and cement instead.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Everyone laughed when you said man wouldn’t last another 100 years, but that’s because you said it in a really funny Mexican accent.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The baboon will see you as a threat to the social hierarchy of the pack, which, truth be told, is giving you way too much credit.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
He'll scream, they'll scream, you'll all scream for ice cream — forcing several orderlies to rush back into the room and strap everyone down in their beds.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
When asked where you see yourself in five years, refrain from laughing wildly, crying suddenly, and jumping clear out of a nearby window.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A magic carpet ride awaits Scorpio this week. Prepare to travel from the trunk of an old Buick, down the Verrazano Bridge, and into the harbor.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're a great believer in "an eye for an eye," but you still don't understand why they always have to use yours.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A car accident awaits you in the coming days, which is unfortunate, as it's the kind that involves too many Mountain Dews and not enough gas stations.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
An abrupt lifestyle change will find you joining the skua, sheathbill, and killer whale as the newest natural predator of the penguin.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You're a natural-born skeptic, always questioning the world in your search for empirical truth, rejecting along the way pseudoscience, psychobabble, and any other nonsense—like all Pisces.