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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 120
February 2013
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How to know that you are a drunkard.

1. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

2. The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in..

3. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

4. Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

5. Whoopi Goldberg looks good.

6. Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

7. That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

8. I’m as sober as a judge.

9. The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

10. You wake up screaming ‘Beer Beer Beer!’ in the middle of the night.

11. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

12. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

13. Your job is interfering with your drinking.

14. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

15. Where are we?

16. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

17. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

18. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!

19. Two hands and just one mouth.. – now THAT’S a drinking problem!

20. You can focus better with one eye closed.

21. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

22. You fall off the floor..

23. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

24. What do I write here? Hic

25. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

26. At AA meetings you begin: ‘Hi my name is.. uh..’

27. Your idea of cutting back is less salt on the rim.

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