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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 121
March 2013
 
 
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St Paddy's Day Funnies


Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patick replied, "herself came to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come
out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!

****************************************************************************************************

A man was walking on a Belfast street one at night when suddenly he was  confronted with a masked man who had a gun pointed right at him. 
The gunman said "Are you Protestant or Catholic?"
The man was scared out of his wits but figured that he had to give some kind of an answer.
Praying for guidance he replied - "Neither - I'm Jewish!".
Silence for about 5 seconds, then the gunman's reply - "Is that so?  Well let me tell you, you're talking to the first Arab in Belfast!"

****************************************************************************************************

 "Someday, I'd like a little brother," said a boy to his friend.

 "There's only so much you can blame on a dog."

****************************************************************************************************

A man was very ill and on the verge of dying.  The doctor called the man's wife in and said,"There are three things that you can do to help your husband back to health"
"What are they, sir?"
"One: You must make him three huge meals every day.
Two: Never argue with him.
Three: Make love to him every night.
"Agreed." Said the woman
On the way home when the husband asked what the doctor said, the woman replied,"Sorry, honey, but you aren't going to make it."

****************************************************************************************************

Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac, where are we goin?'

MacArthur replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.'

'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?'

'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says MacArthur, 'the man said we'd be going at night.'

 A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Leary, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'

'I'm sorry sir, I...........'

'Not you,' says O'Leary, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'

****************************************************************************************************

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'

****************************************************************************************************

O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery.

After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.'

'That's grand,' shouted O'Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'

****************************************************************************************************

Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic horse?" "Catholic,  why?"

 "Keep that quiet, I had a friend last week who told them he was lame and they shot him"

****************************************************************************************************

Knock Knock
 Who's there?
 Irish!
 Irish who?
 Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day

****************************************************************************************************

 A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"

 "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address!"

 The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

 "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy!"


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