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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 123
May 2013
 
 
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Da Horra of da 'Scopes'...


  • Aries This week, try not to worry about things over which you have no control. For an ineffectual slob such as yourself, this means just about everything.
     
  • Taurus You might think you're the coolest person around, but don't forget about Beth Mills of Austin, TX. She has a hedgehog.
     
  • Gemini Remember: Three can keep a secret if two are dead. That said, you know what you have to do.
     
  • Cancer You will achieve a certain kind of fame when you discover several more steps to add to your 12-step program.
     
  • Leo Because of its dualistic nature, Gemini believes there are two kinds of people in this world: you and those who won't die in a coke-fueled gunfight this Sunday.
     
  • Virgo You’ll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
     
  • Libra The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
     
  • Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
     
  • Sagittarius You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
     
  • Capricorn Remember: Sometimes you just have to step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a shake, and blow off the top of your head with Dad's old Nerf brand shotgun.
     
  • Aquarius You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
     
  • Pisces Smile! Somebody out there loves you. On second thought, don't smile.

 


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