<< Prev Issue | All Issues | Next Issue >>
Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 125
July 2013
 
 
<< Prev Article | Issue Index | Next Article >>

Da Horror of Da Scopes


Aries  Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon be forced to admit that your entire emotional range can be conveyed with a set of cleverly arranged punctuation marks.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You don't want anything to come between you and your cats. Luckily, given your obesity and the tininess of your trailer, it's not physically possible.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Americans from coast to coast will be transfixed by your new signature dance, the Oh My God, Get It Off Me, Sweet Jesus, It Burns.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Every day, in every way, you're getting better and better. But at this rate, you won't be good enough for 64 more years.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your plan to strike from the shadows and slip away unseen will be seen as inappropriate by the other teachers.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting!


<< Prev Article | Issue Index | Next Article >>
 Quick Links
Interviews
What's Up Eliters!
Eliters Toolbar!
Stories
 Promote Eliters
Do you like Eliters?
Please Spread the Word !

Tell a Friend
Link to Us
Reciprocal Links
Referral Program
 Call For Submissions
Have you always wanted to be a reporter?
Here’s your chance! Eliters Newsletter would love to have news, stories, funny gossip; you name it.
Got a TD you’d like to praise? Tell us!
A good sport deserves recognition? Let us know!
We’re here to publish; we just need material !
 Editing Team
purcelin
lens_books
balouza
Email news@eliters.com





 
 
To unsubscribe, click here
 
 
Eliters Home | Leagues | Events | Clubs | Help
 
Copyright © 2000 - 2017 Eliters. All rights reserved.