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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 126
August 2013
 
 
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Da Horror of Da 'Scopes


  • Aries Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
  • Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
  • Gemini Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week.
  • Cancer A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
  • Leo Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
  • Virgo Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
  • Libra Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
  • Scorpio The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
  • Sagittarius You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
  • Capricorn This month a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
  • Aquarius For the third straight night, your wife will pass away loudly, painfully, and repeatedly in your sleep.
  • Pisces Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of 17-year-olds to follow.

 


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