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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 127
September 2013
 
 
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Da Horror of da 'Scopes


 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
 Try listening to your body this week. It's got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
 Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
 After days of searching, you'll finally find comfort this week. Just above "comforter," and right below "confit."

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
 Internal bleeding is usually a sign of serious trauma, so relax, you and your blood-soaked clothes are totally fine.

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
 By this time next year, you'll be 400,000 dollars richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
 Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
 Remember: Guns aren't toys. Except for the plastic toy kind. Or the high-powered rifle kind, which you can totally use to have a ton of fun.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
 Your two pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that's a lot of wolves to fight off.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
 The stars foresee a time of great uncertainty in the day to come. Also, the stars foresee a time of great covering their collective asses in the days to come.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
 All of your questions will be answered this week, moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller-coaster operator all tell you, "No."

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
 The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
 What's the matter? Couldn't find your precious People magazine horoscopes this week? Oh, you want your fortune, do you? Here's your fortune: Rabid Monkeys will spit on your Astro guide.


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