Da Horror of da 'Scopes
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Try listening to your body this week. It's got a bunch of really great stories about hanging out with Jimmy Page.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Sure, they might blame you now, but how were you supposed to know the waters were unsafe at Everyone Always Gets Killed Beach.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
After days of searching, you'll finally find comfort this week. Just above "comforter," and right below "confit."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Internal bleeding is usually a sign of serious trauma, so relax, you and your blood-soaked clothes are totally fine.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
By this time next year, you'll be 400,000 dollars richer, two cars the better, and just as gullible as you are now.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Sometimes in life you just have to march right in there, introduce yourself, fight off a couple of rather large security guards, and demand a raise.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Remember: Guns aren't toys. Except for the plastic toy kind. Or the high-powered rifle kind, which you can totally use to have a ton of fun.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your two pack-a-day habit will finally kill you this week, but then, that's a lot of wolves to fight off.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars foresee a time of great uncertainty in the day to come. Also, the stars foresee a time of great covering their collective asses in the days to come.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
All of your questions will be answered this week, moments after the zookeeper, the fire marshal, and the roller-coaster operator all tell you, "No."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The attention is nice and all, but in the end, you put your pants on just like everyone else: One thirty million dollar cybernetic leg at a time.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
What's the matter? Couldn't find your precious People magazine horoscopes this week? Oh, you want your fortune, do you? Here's your fortune: Rabid Monkeys will spit on your Astro guide.