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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 130
December 2013
 
 
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Da Horror of Da Scopes


Aries 
You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you’ll still have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
 
Taurus
After years of hesitation, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
 
Gemini
You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely 
soaking your ridiculous shirt.
 
Cancer
There’s nothing more 
American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
 
Leo
You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It’s impossible to lose something you never really had.
 
Virgo
Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You’ll need a stethoscope, too.
 
Libra
They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a 
dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller’s The Crucible.
 
Scorpio
Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week’s events, it’ll mostly just be nightmares.
 
Sagittarius
Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
 
Capricorn
While you’re relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
 
Aquarius
People claim that age is 
nothing more than a state of mind, making this week’s stroke revealing on a few different levels.
 
Pisces
You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she’ll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.


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