Eliters September Horoscope
With thanks to the world renowned astrologer yeahicrackmeuptoo.
Personal growth, financial success, and romantic fulfillment await you in the coming year. As does wishful thinking.
Aries: March 21 - April 19
You'll lean on friends and family members this month, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
Taurus: April 20 - May 20
Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
Gemini: May 21 - June 21
Love can move mountains and part the seas, but this month, it'll be mainly used to terrorize people.
Cancer: June 22 - July 22
Your biggest enemy is yourself. Smash him over the head with a large frying pan when he's not looking.
Leo: July 23 - August 22
The important thing is that you tried. Not that you failed. Which you did. Though that's not important. No, the fact that you failed is not important at all.
Virgo: August 23 - September 22
You'll draw a line in the sand this month, followed by two other lines, a large half-circle and several small curlicues. At this point, people will call you disgusting.
Libra: September 23 - October 23
Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 21
You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
Sagittarius: November 22 - December 21
A lump in your left breast will soon confirm what you've long feared: You have breasts now.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 19
Life will sneak up on you when you least expect it this month, knock you unconscious with a baseball bat, and drag your motionless body into a nearby alleyway.