Eliters Astrology Segment
Your Birthday Today - God will soon appear to you in a dream - although He'll mostly just stand in the corner and choose to watch.
Aries March 21 - April 19 Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
Taurus April 20 - May 20 A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled.
Gemini May 21 - June 21 You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
Cancer June 22 - July 22 The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at email@example.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
Leo July 23 - August 22 You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
Virgo August 23 - September 22 Don't let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You're better than that. Much, much better than that.
Libra September 23 - October 23 You've always said there's nothing a little bit of sun couldn't cure, leading to your eventual demise from both diabetes and skin cancer.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21 Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19 You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18 The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
Pisces February 19 - March 20 Lighting a candle in the darkness only allows you to see the blood staining the carpet from the toe you annihilated prior to the bout of cursing the dark.