What is your horoscope this month?
- Aries March 21 - April 19 Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.
- Taurus April 20 - May 20 You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.
- Gemini May 21 - June 21 It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.
- Cancer June 22 - July 22 Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.
- Leo July 23 - August 22 Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.
- Virgo August 23 - September 22 Your plan to commit the perfect crime is flawed in one important aspect: Sitting on the couch watching football all weekend is not illegal.
- Libra September 23 - October 23 Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.
- Scorpio October 24 - November 21 You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.
- Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 The stars know this relationship isn't always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won't regret it.
- Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.
- Aquarius January 20 - February 18 If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
- Pisces February 19 - March 20 Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exactly right CD for the occasion.
If Its Your Birthday This Month: You will enjoy an unexpected day off from work when an out-of-control cement mixer runs over your legs.
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