Astrological Predictions for 2009
- Aries March 21 - April 19 The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone
- Taurus April 20 - May 20 Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.
- Gemini May 21 - June 21 You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.
- Cancer June 22 - July 22 Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem common.
- Leo July 23 - August 22 You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.
- Virgo August 23 - September 22 Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.
- Libra September 23 - October 23 The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak
- Scorpio October 24 - November 21 Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009—The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.
- Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."
- Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women
- Aquarius January 20 - February 18 A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate
- Pisces February 19 - March 20 You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns
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