- Aries March 21 - April 19 The coming week will feature ball lighting, skin lesions, and a runaway gasoline truck. Then things will get ugly.
- Taurus April 20 - May 20 Wrinkles are usually a sign of aging, but in your case they just mean you should get out of the tub..
- Gemini May 21 - June 21 Your tryst with a married woman will come to an end this week when she finally asks you for a divorce.
- Cancer June 22 - July 22 Everything will go according to plan, except for the injured hostages, the brief shoot-out with police, and the fact that you were just trying to make toast.
- Leo July 23 - August 22 The stars indicate that you're a lean, mean sex machine. Also, the stars indicate that you only take quarters.
- Virgo August 23 - September 22 True happiness will continue to elude you in the days to—wait, there it is! There, behind the couch! Quickly, it's getting away
- Libra September 23 - October 23 Having a child is one of the most thrilling experiences a woman can have, but you'll give it all up for the rush of riding your town's new rollercoaster.
- Scorpio October 24 - November 21 Your life will have a fairy tale ending. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the three bears returning home.
- Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of a red-bellied trout.
- Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Avoid confrontation at work today. Sneak up behind your boss and slowly strangle him to death.
- Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Aquarius would love nothing more than to predict your future, but its old lady just got back from her dealers, and man, that stuff smells good.
- Pisces February 19 - March 20 You will accidentally jump to your death this week, thanks to a rather low ceiling fan.
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