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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 73
March 2009
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  • Aries March 21 - April 19 The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds
  • Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
  • Gemini May 21 - June 21 Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
  • Cancer June 22 - July 22 The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
  • Leo July 23 - August 22 You've got a pair of gams that just won't quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.  
  • Virgo August 23 - September 22 A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you're a Virgo
  • Libra September 23 - October 23 Something deep inside of you will re-awaken this week. Plan to spend most of this month's Thursdays sitting in your bathroom.
  • Scorpio October 24 - November 21 You'll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
  • Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week. 
  • Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
  • Aquarius January 20 - February 18 You're no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
  • Pisces February 19 - March 20 Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about this month. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.
  • With thanks to yeahicrackmeuptoo

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