- Aries March 21 - April 19 The interesting thing about your future isn't its extreme brevity, but how many angry, drunken Cossacks it holds
- Taurus April 20 - May 20 Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically this week when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
- Gemini May 21 - June 21 Sometimes it is best to simply let events unfold. However, doing so for the last 25 years was probably a mistake.
- Cancer June 22 - July 22 The kind of pressure you'll deal with this week would kill a lesser man, which, unfortunately, is exactly what you are.
- Leo July 23 - August 22 You've got a pair of gams that just won't quit, making things quite awkward when management is forced to let them go.
- Virgo August 23 - September 22 A wonderful romantic experience looms ahead for Taurus, which really sucks, as you're a Virgo
- Libra September 23 - October 23 Something deep inside of you will re-awaken this week. Plan to spend most of this month's Thursdays sitting in your bathroom.
- Scorpio October 24 - November 21 You'll soon come to regret catching fist-size chunks of jagged hail on your tongue.
- Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 Any well-read person will notice several parallels between the story of Beowulf and your disastrous housewarming party this week.
- Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Your frequent boasts of being a real lady-killer will finally gain some credence when an FBI forensics team digs up your backyard.
- Aquarius January 20 - February 18 You're no Mother Teresa, much to the utter shock and dismay of all those blind orphans in India.
- Pisces February 19 - March 20 Try as they might, the stars can't see the point in telling you about this month. You'll just do whatever you damn well please, anyway.
With thanks to yeahicrackmeuptoo
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