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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 73
March 2009
 
 
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New TD Rules


Contributed by DMDesiderata

Beginning March 2009 - ELITERS Tournament Director Policy

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to run a Tourney!!!.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an ELITERS TD, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We accepted your APP with you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of application.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have JrTD's attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where Admin involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the wee hours of the morning. We will be glad to allow you to host through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the Tourney’s going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those TD’s whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, TD’s whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, TD’s may swap their time with a co-TD. All GL’s and Admins must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

If we ever issue you one it will be as follows!!!! The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our TD’s better understand a paycheck should ELITERS ever make a profit:

Item.... Amount:
Gross pay... 130651 YEPs
MINUS
Income tax ... 24440 YEPs
Outgo tax ...4521 YEPs
State tax ...1161 YEPs
Interstate tax ... 6110 YEPs
County tax ...611 YEPs
City tax ... 1222 YEPs
Rural tax... 444 YEPs
Back tax ...111 YEPs
Front tax ...116 YEPs
Side tax ...161 YEPs
Up tax.... 222 YEPs
Tic-Tacs ... 198 YEPs
Thumbtacks ... 393 YEPs
Carpet tacks ... 0.98 YEPS
Stadium tax .... 0.69 YEPs
Flat tax .... 832 YEPs
Surtax ... .346 YEPs
Corporate tax ... 260 YEPs
Spam fee ... 500 YEPs
F.I.C.A .... 8188 YEPs
T.G.I.F. Fund ... .995 YEPs
Life insurance ... 585 YEPs
Health insurance... 1623 YEPs
Dental insurance ... 450 YEPs
Mental insurance ... 433 YEPs
Reassurance ... 11 YEPs
Disability ... 250 YEPs
Ability ... 25 YEPs
Liability ... 341 YEPs
Unreliability ... 1099 YEPs
Coffee ... 685 YEPs
Coffee Cups ... 6651 YEPs
Lobby rental ... 1685 YEPs
Chair rental ... 32 YEPs
Desk rental .... 432 YEPs
ELITER’s dues ... 585 YEPs
ELITER’s don'ts ... 377 YEPs
Cash advance ... 69 YEPs
Cash retreats ... 12135 YEPs
Overtime ... 126 YEPs
Under time ... 5483 YEPs
Eastern time ... 900 YEPs
Central time ... 800 YEPs
Mountain time ... 700 YEPs
Pacific time ... 600 YEPs
Time Out ... 1221 YEPs
Oxygen... 1002 YEPs
Water ....1654 YEPs
Heat .... 5142 YEPs
Cool air ... 2683 YEPs
Hot air .... 2000 YEPs
Miscellaneous ... 11329 YEPs
Sundry .... 1209 YEPs
Various .... 801 YEPs
Net Take Home Pay ... 2 YEPs

Please feel free to contribute your .02 YEPs worth at the next TD meeting. Thank you for your loyalty to ELITERS.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input Take em to Helen Waite.

Have a nice week.


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