- Aries March 21 - April 19 You'll be punished for playing God this week, which isn't surprising, considering the cockney accent, exaggerated limp, and thick head of curly blonde hair you gave Him.
- Taurus April 20 - May 20 NASA officials will once again select you for a very important mission.. Though, to be fair, going out and getting them coffee isn't as exciting as it used to be.
- Gemini May 21 - June 21 All of your money problems will soon be solved, including how many more quarters Suzie has than Scott, and what, if any change, Michael should get back from Michelle
- Cancer June 22 - July 22 After years of painstaking research and rigorous clinical trials, medical science still doesn't have an answer for why you're such a jerk
- Leo July 23 - August 22 That bottle of whiskey might help you sleep, but then, there's probably an easier way than smashing it over your head every night.
- Virgo August 23 - September 22 You'll be praised for your contributions in the field of forensic science, though much of the credit should go to the barbed wire, the hydrofluoric acid, and the radial arm saw.
- Libra September 23 - October 23 Previously on Libra—"Is that…could it be…yes, it's the tall, dark stranger!" "Welcome to Sydney madam, I hope last night's journey over water was to your liking."
- Scorpio October 24 - November 21 You'll soon discover three new planets, a dwarf star, and two orbiting satellites—an incredible achievement for someone just trying to peer in on his neighbor.
- Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 A mixture of dread, anxiety and utter disgust will be yours this week when the nation's housing blister finally bursts.
- Capricorn December 22 - January 19 You'll soon bathe in the blood of your enemies, though not before a number of rather embarrassing hints from your friends.
- Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Avoid staring directly at the stars this week, as a rider in their contract forbids anyone from making eye contact with them.
- Pisces February 19 - March 20 You've spent years living in a fantasy world, which is rather unfortunate, as it's one dreamed up by that hack Robert Jordan.
With thanks to yeahicrackmeuptoo
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