Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You’ll feast on the flesh of your mortal enemy, which is lucky for you, as your mortal enemy is the orange-braised duck.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Friends will soon discover the secret ingredient to your world-famous lemon bars, though they’ll lack the necessary motor functions to tell others.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The stars dang well give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie, big butt.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
While it's true that every man has his price, yours is the only one clearly labeled at the top of a pancake menu.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You’re about to go through a real messy divorce, thanks in large part to the Philly cheese steak you’ll refuse to put down.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars apologize for last month’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You’ll have no choice but to eat the other passengers after your plane crashes into an Armor Hot Dog Processing Plant this week.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Don’t spend the rest of your life wondering “what if?” Dress the dog in full military regalia before it’s too late.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick. But enough about your love life.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You’ll turn to religion this week, dislocating your neck, both shoulders, and most of your tendons in the process.