Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Nothing noteworthy will occur in your life this month, as you have not paid your cable bill in months.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The loneliness you feel cannot last forever. It can, however, last 40 years until the moment of your death.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your religious faith will be shattered when, after years of piety, you discover a little-known Bible passage condemning murder.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The disappearance of Mars from the sky may indicate that it is time to let go of your warlike nature. Also, it could indicate that Mars has taken orbit behind the sun.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your beloved cats Oscar, Sofie, Tim, Gibson and Malcolm are asked to appear on national television after smothering you in your sleep.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you will make absolutely no effort to take charge of your miserable life this month.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your birthday party will once again be ruined by highly trained, combat-tested military demolitions experts.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Reaffirm your commitment to weight loss this month. Eat five pounds of cottage cheese, six cans of peach halves in heavy syrup, and a liter of Diet Coke for each meal.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will discover the power of chain letters this month when you accidentally break one and suffer no terrible consequences whatsoever.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Nothing can stop Destiny from exerting its powerful influence over you if it so desires. However, it does not.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You may be entitled to a large refund this month when the gynecologist you've been seeing announces that you are not pregnant but male.
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