Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You've made it your life's mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you're one of America's unsung heroes.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You're nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.
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