Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Years of backbreaking work will finally pay off when your sales manager, walking hurriedly down the hallway, nods faintly in your general direction this week..
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
A tragic boating accident will soon claim the lives of the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer of your one-man band.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Life will imitate art this Tuesday when a multi-planar figure of a woman stands languidly beside an abstracted carafe of wine.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Remember a couple of months back when the stars accurately predicted the birth of your second child? Man, that was great.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Keep in mind this week that anger is fear in disguise, although why you'd be afraid of the soda machine eating your dollar is for you alone to answer.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Like a moth to a flame, you too will be strongly attracted to a giant flame today.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The fifth coming of Jesus Christ this week will reveal that you haven't been paying as much attention as you'd thought.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll be brought face-to-face with your own mortality during a series of harrowing stabs to the jaw and forehead.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
This week a shattered tea set will serve as a fitting metaphor for your clumsy coming-of-age as a woman.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
For the third straight night, your life will pass right in front of your eyes; loudly, painfully, and gaseously in non-living color.