Horoscope Courtesy of the Coen Brothers.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Essential traits: independent, original, rebellious, unique
Embodied by: Loose-cannon Vietnam vet Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski
Outlook: Your disregard for the conventional will bring you either great wealth or great burden. In any case, your resourcefulness assures that you're never out of your element. Though your independence will lead you down many paths, do not stray from all the institutions of your past. On Shomer Shabbat, you DO NOT ROLL THAT DOOBIE.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
Essential traits: imaginative, idealistic, often pensive and out of touch with physical reality
Embodied by: Buffoon-turned-tycoon Norville Barnes in The Hudsucker Proxy
Outlook: Beware of journalists and doubters trying to stay your wild ideas. Your inner child is a trustworthy ally in decision-making. Keep your distance from skyscrapers and creepy janitors. Lucky number: zero.
ARIES (March 21-April 19)
Essential traits: aggressive, energetic, eager to take charge, easily bored
Embodied by: Chatty barber shop owner Frank in The Man Who Wasn't There
Outlook: Your undying energy may become aimless to the point of unchecked egoism and disregard for the trust of others, but who gives a shit? Because of this possibility, keep your business plans close and the ability to abandon them at any moment closer. Remember, if you screw someone over under a made-up name, it doesn't count.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
Essential traits: confident, stubborn, materialistic, private
Embodied by: Disarmingly gorgeous divorcée Marylin Rexroth in Intolerable Cruelty
Outlook: Your secretive tendencies are useful in achieving your goals. So is your cleavage. Accrue as much material wealth as you can. If it is taken from you, maintain your composure and pretend you have it anyway.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21)
Essential traits: dualistic, intellectual, charmingly deceptive, flexible
Embodied by: Adulterous government agent Harry Pfarrer in Burn After Reading
Outlook: While your inventiveness may pay off in romantic matters, be careful not to spread yourself too thin. Relax and try to get a grip on your impulsive nature. Exercise can be therapeutic—try to get a run in.
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Essential traits: sensitive, protective, driven by emotions
Embodied by: Sweetly moronic escaped con Delmar O'Donnell in O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Outlook: Don't fret if your protective nature seems overbearing to your friends, especially those whose sexual deviance has turned them into toads. Nurture your musical side. Stay out of prison by any means necessary.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 23)
Essential traits: generosity, strength, sincerity, leadership
Embodied by: Defiant crime boss Leo O'Bannion in Miller's Crossing
Outlook: Your ambition will pay off, but don't let your position blind you to others' deception. Be wary of conflicting loyalties and strive to be aware of the rumpus at all times.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Essential traits: analytical, hard-working, communicative, sincere
Embodied by: Pregnant police chief Marge Gunderson in Fargo
Outlook: Although a particularly twisted task may bring out your tendency to worry, your problem-solving skills will keep you on course if you don't get disheartened. Deflect your anxiety by encouraging others, but not so much that they hit on you and your unborn child at the Radisson.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Essential traits: flirtatious, indecisive, aesthetically tasteful
Embodied by: Southern scam artist Goldthwaite H. Dorr in The Ladykillers
Outlook: Sometimes your wishy-washy attitude can be an advantage. Use the time it affords you to enjoy your surroundings. Ponder how future choices may affect your poetic and visual sensibilities. For instance, could suffocating someone put wrinkles in your finely tailored suit?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Essential traits: passion, sensuality, intensity, occasional violence
Embodied by: Homicidal creep Anton Chigurh in No Country For Old Men
Outlook: Your smoldering presence makes you a singular character in your community. Hold fast to an air of mystery by prefacing everything you say or do with vaguely rhetorical questions. You will come into a great deal of money.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Essential traits: motivated, cheerful, good-humored, fond of the outdoors.
Embodied by: Kidnapped tot Nathan Arizona Jr. in Raising Arizona
Outlook: Your optimism and good humor inspires others to do great things, which is why you'll be chosen from among your peers to embark on a great adventure. Don't let your amorous effect on those around you become a liability. The time will come when you must change yourself, but for now, enjoy the unconditional forgiveness and attention that comes with crapping your pants.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 20)
Essential traits: ambitious, practical, deliberative, committed to getting things done
Embodied by: Vengeful husband Julian Marty in Blood Simple
Outlook: A great obstacle will make carrying on seemingly impossible, but your dedication to achievement and love will bring your goals to life. Do not let the doubt of others bury you. Or put bullet holes in you. Or throw you into the path of an oncoming truck.