Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you're looking for is "never had a reason to live."
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
People say you're a control freak, but if you had your way, they'd say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You'll be honored as a true War Hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.