Funnies for you
It is never too early to Honor St. Patricks Day!
The Irish Taxi:
A passenger in an Irish taxi leaned over to ask the driver, Paddy, a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
Paddy screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but ye scared the livin' daylights outa me.'
The frightened passenger apologised to the driver and said she didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.
Paddy replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, tis entirely my fault. Today is me first day drivin' a cab ...
I've been drivin' a hearse for the last 25 years.'
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie? ''Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip-- shopping, casinos, massages, facials. Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.
Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.
"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night........... Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?"
I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over............On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, "Now, you can do whatever you want."
So here I am.