Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you're out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate ice cream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
This month you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This month you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff." That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Try to think of life as a game this month. For fun, make up new rules.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your slogan for the month should be "Carpe Diem", or "Seize the Day!". Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A dirigible will hover nearby, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.