Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will have more psychotronic energy this month than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright!
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Excellent time to do some personal re-engineering. I mean, face it - your mother simply wasn't much of an engineer...
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Noodle days, this month! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But now, you will!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
This month you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.