Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your spouse for the insurance money.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from "Huh?" to "Who the—?" and "Whazzat?
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you're made of.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
An old adage will be proven wrong this month when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your perfectionist streak will consume you this month when you attempt to posit the world's single most precise chaos theory.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Who's to say what's right and what's wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After decades of soul-searching and inward reflection, you'll finally realize this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this month.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The alignment of the stars and the planets this week can only mean one thing: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.