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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 91
September 2010
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More and More Funnies

Indian Ride

A young woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.  
An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.  
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.  
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off.  
"Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. 
"I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered.  
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."


No Longer Privates 

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from
privates to sergeants.  
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey Jasper, there's
the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in." 
"But we's privates," protests Jasper.  
"We's sergeants now, "says Leroy, pulling him inside.  
"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."  
"But we's privates," says Jasper.  
"Are you blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."  
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. 
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."  
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. 
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. 
 "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?" 
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. 
"But we's sergeants now!" 

Dying Preacher  

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. 
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.  

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. 
They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. 
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?" 
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."


Alcoholic Nun

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy." 
"Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" 
"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know." 
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing,
whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed,  "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"  Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied:  
"And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to chit!"


The Bunny and The Snake  

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose.  "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said,

"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls...
"You must be a lawyer!"


Canadians...and their hockey

What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and whales have in common?
They both get confused when surrounded by ice.

What do you call a Toronto Maple Leaf with a Stanley Cup ring?

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