Funnies for you
Rough Day At The Bar
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka.
The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"
The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"
The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."
The man downs the shots and leaves.
The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka.
Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"
The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."
Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."
The man downs his shots and leaves.
The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka.
Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?"
The man says, "Yeah."
The bartender asks the man, "Does anyone in your family like women??"
The man says, "Yeah, my wife."
Little Johnny and his mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked his mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.
Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."
Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The Little Johnny, frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation.
His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the Little Johnny and his mother are out and about again.
Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.
The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.
You got an "F" in sex."
It was autumn, and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets, so when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."