Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Fate will give you a lot to do next week, and you had better do exactly as you are told or Fate will start executing hostages.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
This is a good time to make aggressive moves at work, as when the global economy crashes back to the Stone Age on Tuesday no one will miss a few pens.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Since it hates its job barfing out your future, Gemini is just going to call it a day and go down to the bar and get drunk with the other disgruntled constellations.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Yes, please, by all means, make some sort of joke about cancer being a disease. Never heard that one before. In any case, you're not winning the lottery this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll slowly become the person you hate—the person who is so afraid of dirty toilet seats that she squats in terror above them to pee, creating the very situation she is trying to avoid.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will be jolted as if hit by a brick when receiving bad news next week, but only partially because it arrives wrapped around a thrown brick.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will soon open your Twelfth House of Secrets to your coworkers, which unfortunately means you will need to seek a Second House of Employment.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
If you hope for a baby, Jupiter rising in your sign may help, but be aware that he isn't the magazine-and- turkey-baster kind of guy.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Romance will finally come to you, but willget annoyed when you won't shut up about yourself, and finally be completely turned off when you ask, "Where's the party at?"
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The men in lab coats will make another silent midnight appearance in your bedroom, but don't worry—they won't bring in bedbugs.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Doors will swing open for you in a way they haven't in years, rekindling that creepy door fetish you had in college.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
Oh, man, next week is going to be really something for you. No kidding. Seriously, it's a shame you have no way of knowing what's about to happen.
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