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Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 94
December 2010
 
 
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Horrorscope


Aries - Sad to say Santa has been watching you.  He has taken notes.  Copius notes.  You may want to consider Judaism. 
 
Taurus - You will receive surprise houseguests this holiday season.  Stock up, they won't leave.  You might want to consider becoming vegan. 
 
Gemini - Your boss is cancelling your vacation, overtime without pay looms.  Customer service in India is overloaded.  Be prepared for a long trip.  You might want to consider enrolling in a frequent flyer mileage program.   
 
Cancer - Your mother has volunteered you to host the family Christmas, the entire family will be visiting.  They  are bringing the twins.  You might want to consider stocking up on alchohol, ear plugs and zoloft. 
 
Leo - Your place is a mess.  So before you can invite your buddies and their wives over, you should consider getting a cleaning crew and some extermiminators in.  Look behind the fridge and the stove.  Deep clean the carpets.  Toss the dishes and glass you have, clean the floor for goodness sakes and then hit the bathroom. You should seriously consider a trip to Costco. 

Virgo -  The weight loss program will go into a nosedive over the next few weeks.  Hang in there, those last 100 lbs should only take a year or two. You should seriously consider salads once in a while. 
 
Libra - Your romantic Christmas isn't going to make it.  If you think she is cranky now, you ain't seen cranky yet. Suck up, suck it in.  You will survive.   You might want to consider upgrading cable to include all the girly channels and letting her use the remote once in a while.  
 
Scorpio -  Do not regift the junk you got last year.  Everyone knows it is crap, they don't want it either.  You might want to consider giving some Eliter memberships instead.
 
Sagittarius - You take yourself way too seriously.  No one cares if you are perfect or not.  In fact you will only be a bigger pita if you are perfect.  You might want to consider an improv class and having some fun in life.
 
Capricorn - The new year is filled with expectations.  You might want to increase the level of yours.
 
Aquarius - Turn off that tv once in a while - your eyes are beginning to cross and your butt is sagging lower than the couch  You might want to consider a walk or two.

Pisces - Your credit card bill will cause you to have an anxiety attack.  You might want to consider a second and third job if you can find them.  Good luck on that..


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