<< Prev Issue | All Issues | Next Issue >>
Eliters Newsletter
Issue Number 95
January 2011
 
 
<< Prev Article | Issue Index | Next Article >>

More New Year Funnies


New Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen 

Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2007: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2009: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.  As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.  'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

Politician in Action

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.'


<< Prev Article | Issue Index | Next Article >>
 Quick Links
Interviews
What's Up Eliters!
Eliters Toolbar!
Stories
 Promote Eliters
Do you like Eliters?
Please Spread the Word !

Tell a Friend
Link to Us
Reciprocal Links
Referral Program
 Call For Submissions
Have you always wanted to be a reporter?
Here’s your chance! Eliters Newsletter would love to have news, stories, funny gossip; you name it.
Got a TD you’d like to praise? Tell us!
A good sport deserves recognition? Let us know!
We’re here to publish; we just need material !
 Editing Team
purcelin
balouza
Email news@eliters.com





 
 
To unsubscribe, click here
 
 
Eliters Home | Leagues | Events | Clubs | Help
 
Copyright © 2000 - 2017 Eliters. All rights reserved.